Confession time: earlier this year, I signed my husband and myself up for a 100-150 mile bike ride with our local chapter of the Multiple Sclerosis society. My desire? To be able to ride with him, and both of us ride with my Dad, who rode 150 miles in the MS Ride for me last year. How it came across (or even the real motivation behind it)? Me manipulating my husband to do what I wanted him to do, something I find myself guilty of in a thousand ways - though with God's grace, he is helping me become a better wife.
With that said, it has been stunning to see the commitment and, while he would never call it this, PASSION my husband has developed over the past few months training for this ride. Even with the immense responsibility he has at work, watching him put his bike on the rack to head out for a training ride with my dad and others, or riding for hours on the stationary bike when it's 175 degrees outside or weather doesn't permit, eating healthier ... all of it creates in me a sense of awe, pride in my husband, profound humility that he, my dad and others would commit to such a grueling endeavor to support those living with MS, and an overwhelming thankfulness that I am not the point of the story. My husband's desire is to bring glory to God through this ride - and while loving and supporting his wife in the pattern of Jesus loving his bride, the Church, is absolutely God-honoring, as is taking care of his body - it is wonderfully freeing to release my husband from my burdensome expectations and, instead, support and respect him as he pursues Christ.
It's a near certainty that if I say to my husband, "I'm so proud of you!!!" one more time, he may actually crack/explode/spontaneously combust. Not entirely sure of the psyche behind it, but he just doesn't do all that well with compliments. So I'll say it on here, and then I don't have to witness the fallout ... I am so, so, so proud of my husband. Not because he is perfect, but because he is my husband. And because he is willing to engage the holy discontent that God's Spirit puts in all of our hearts, and strive - through Christ's strength - to run the race with perseverance, whether that means becoming more and more of a servant husband or simply refusing to remain static and instead pursue maturity as a follower of Jesus.
And now comes my shameless plea for your help. I hoped to be able to ride as well, but it seems that that is no longer a possibility. There is a link at the bottom of my blog to click on my page for the MS Ride on September 24 & 25, which will soon be changed to a link to Brad's page. I am also including it here, and making a heartfelt request that you check it out and consider supporting him if you are able.
MS Society - Bike MS Breakaway to the Beach
Even more shamelessly, I ask for your prayers - for Brad and my father's safety during the ride, for our marriage, which is touched by the effects of this disease daily, and for my husband and myself, that we would continue to grow in our love of our Savior and for each other, and that in ALL things our lives would boldly proclaim, TO GOD BE THE GLORY.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Time Stand Still
It's July already? For real, though?? And before I blink my eyes we will be into August already ... it does seem an inescapable aspect of getting older, no matter how gracefully you do it, that the passage of time seems to move at supersonic speeds and we find ourselves saying phrases like, "Was that REALLY a year ago?" or "We've been married FOUR YEARS ALREADY?" That last one is actually a statement expressing excitement and thankfulness on my part, just to be clear (though I shall not presume to speak for my husband :)
So I missed the month of June, from a blogging perspective, but my beloved and I did celebrate four years of marriage (just the beginning!); Father's Day with my daddy who is precious to me - I love opportunities to honor him for being such a good father; and reluctantly, it must be said, my birthday that took me yet another step closer to the looming BIG 40.
The end of June marked two years since I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. What the future holds for me, for my husband, whether we will be able to have a family, I do not even pretend to know. The other day, I had an unexpected conversation with a lovely lady who told me that her husband has been living with MS for almost 40 years - he is now in a wheelchair and has been declared legally blind. Have thoughts of that happening to me crossed my mind? Yep. She asked me, very matter-of-factly, "Do you ever wonder, 'Why me?'", telling me that she has wrestled often with that very question when she looks at her husband. My honest answer in response was simply, "No." I told her that from the time I was diagnosed until now, my thought has always been, "Why not me?" If Jesus could step into time and onto this mortal earth in its fallen, broken state and submit himself willingly to his Father's will, go to a horrific death by the infamous Roman torture device of crucifixion to be slain for my sins, how could I possibly complain about having MS, cancer, or anything at all?
Has it been a struggle? Absolutely. Does it grieve my heart to know the burden it places on my husband? Without a doubt. Do I know, barring a miracle cure or a new heavenly body, that this body will continue to deteriorate in ways that I simply have no control over? Certainly. What simply takes my breath away is that when Jesus hung on the cross for six hours, bleeding, suffocating, dehydrated beyond imagination, gasping for air as he pushed himself up on the nails driven through his feet, he CHOSE to take all my sins and provide the restitution that I could never achieve on my own. Nearly 2,000 years before I was even conceived, he chose to be the sacrifice for me, knowing that I would sin against him - the perfect and holy God of the universe - and yet loving me so much that he offered me a way to be reconciled to my Heavenly Father. I really can't get over it (and hope and pray that I never do) - though I had not yet sinned, being not yet born, he paid it all ... my past, present and future sins. What astounding love, what breathtaking mercy and such amazing grace.
So I do "boast" in my weakness, insomuch as it brings glory to God - and continue to be humbled that he trusts me to point to his strength at work in me, his joy magnified in me, and his transforming work in my heart that allows me to grow more and more into the image of Christ. And there is joy - oh, so much joy. Not to be confused with happiness, as joy and happiness are not synonymous terms. There is happiness too ... laughing with my husband, sharing our hopes and dreams for the future, finding pleasure in the things that we were created to enjoy. There are also "dark nights of the soul." Will I ever experience the joy of motherhood is a question that can easily push me into one of those dark nights. But always, always, there is joy in all circumstances.
It is my prayer that, as time marches on and the earth keeps spinning on its axis, we who live in this fallen world with all its discouragement, happiness, disappointment, treasured moments, betrayal, friendship, anger, forgiveness, hate and love, will take hold of the joy set before us - with Jesus as our source and our example - and never, ever let go.
So I missed the month of June, from a blogging perspective, but my beloved and I did celebrate four years of marriage (just the beginning!); Father's Day with my daddy who is precious to me - I love opportunities to honor him for being such a good father; and reluctantly, it must be said, my birthday that took me yet another step closer to the looming BIG 40.
The end of June marked two years since I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. What the future holds for me, for my husband, whether we will be able to have a family, I do not even pretend to know. The other day, I had an unexpected conversation with a lovely lady who told me that her husband has been living with MS for almost 40 years - he is now in a wheelchair and has been declared legally blind. Have thoughts of that happening to me crossed my mind? Yep. She asked me, very matter-of-factly, "Do you ever wonder, 'Why me?'", telling me that she has wrestled often with that very question when she looks at her husband. My honest answer in response was simply, "No." I told her that from the time I was diagnosed until now, my thought has always been, "Why not me?" If Jesus could step into time and onto this mortal earth in its fallen, broken state and submit himself willingly to his Father's will, go to a horrific death by the infamous Roman torture device of crucifixion to be slain for my sins, how could I possibly complain about having MS, cancer, or anything at all?
Has it been a struggle? Absolutely. Does it grieve my heart to know the burden it places on my husband? Without a doubt. Do I know, barring a miracle cure or a new heavenly body, that this body will continue to deteriorate in ways that I simply have no control over? Certainly. What simply takes my breath away is that when Jesus hung on the cross for six hours, bleeding, suffocating, dehydrated beyond imagination, gasping for air as he pushed himself up on the nails driven through his feet, he CHOSE to take all my sins and provide the restitution that I could never achieve on my own. Nearly 2,000 years before I was even conceived, he chose to be the sacrifice for me, knowing that I would sin against him - the perfect and holy God of the universe - and yet loving me so much that he offered me a way to be reconciled to my Heavenly Father. I really can't get over it (and hope and pray that I never do) - though I had not yet sinned, being not yet born, he paid it all ... my past, present and future sins. What astounding love, what breathtaking mercy and such amazing grace.
So I do "boast" in my weakness, insomuch as it brings glory to God - and continue to be humbled that he trusts me to point to his strength at work in me, his joy magnified in me, and his transforming work in my heart that allows me to grow more and more into the image of Christ. And there is joy - oh, so much joy. Not to be confused with happiness, as joy and happiness are not synonymous terms. There is happiness too ... laughing with my husband, sharing our hopes and dreams for the future, finding pleasure in the things that we were created to enjoy. There are also "dark nights of the soul." Will I ever experience the joy of motherhood is a question that can easily push me into one of those dark nights. But always, always, there is joy in all circumstances.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
~Hebrews 12:1-3
It is my prayer that, as time marches on and the earth keeps spinning on its axis, we who live in this fallen world with all its discouragement, happiness, disappointment, treasured moments, betrayal, friendship, anger, forgiveness, hate and love, will take hold of the joy set before us - with Jesus as our source and our example - and never, ever let go.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Concerning Hobbits, Fellowships and the Art of Self-Discipline
After completing what has become a yearly ritual of watching The Lord of the Rings trilogy - extended versions, naturally - I found my head filled with a swirl of thoughts about hobbits, friendship and loyalty, and a great deal of introspection regarding my own character (most notably, the areas in which I am severely deficient).
Ever since learning of the deep friendship that existed between author J.R.R. Tolkien and author/Christian apologist Clive Staples Lewis, it has never failed to bring a smile to my face when I think of the two of them laughing together, debating each other, challenging one another and encouraging each other. Both were members of The Inklings, a literary discussion group associated with the University at Oxford where members often read and discussed their unfinished works (Tolkien's Lord of the Rings and C.S. Lewis's Out of the Silent Planet being among the first novels read to the group). If I ever get my hands on a time machine, one of my many stops will be Magdalen College during the 1930s, where the group often met in C.S. Lewis's room. Though, regrettably, I will also have to don my invisibility cloak to sneak into one of their meetings, as all the members were male.
For my part, I will be eternally grateful to Mr. Tolkien for pointing his close friend, C.S. Lewis to the truth of Christianity. My unbidden smile is, in large part, due to the anticipation of meeting them both one day in heaven, but it is also borne out of the intellectual ferocity of these two men which, at times, put them at odds with each other -- after reading Lewis's draft of The Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe, for instance, Tolkien was most critical of Lewis's juxtaposition of what Tolkien deemed the realities of this world (i.e., Father Christmas) with a pure "fantasy" world. Again, just my humble opinion here, but it would seem the Chronicles of Narnia have done quite well for themselves over the decades, despite the alleged literary foible by my beloved C.S. Lewis.
And while Tolkien strenuously objected to people's attempts to find allegorical meaning in his novels, it is with all due respect and a preemptive plea for his forgiveness that I engage in just such a task. Fellowship, loyalty, love and self-discipline, all are qualities that shine ever so brightly in both Tolkien's written work and his own life. He knew the absolute necessity of friendship. And it is certain that his most famous published work (if it had made it to publication at all without the support and encouragement of his friends) would have had a drastically different ending if not for the bonds of friendship and loyalty between the characters in his book. For now at least it is a question without answer, but I often wonder if Proverbs 27:17 went through Tolkien's mind during the long hours writing and creating the intricate world of Middle Earth.
It is a treasure beyond value, that friendship which both loves and sharpens as iron sharpens iron. To have a friend who will speak the truth in love is a rarity - dare I say they are fast becoming an endangered species - and accept you nevertheless, just as you are. Successes and failures, warts and all. And yet, we were created for fellowship and for community. True fellowship that goes beyond surface pleasantries and the knee-jerk "I'm fine" response to what may or may not be a rhetorical "How are you doing?" question. Frodo really wouldn't have gotten far without Sam - and neither will we without having the courage to engage each other on the "tough" issues, the willingness to have someone or someones in our life who will hold us accountable, and the ability to drop the facade and trust that our friend will love us no matter how many skeletons are crammed into our closets.
Self-discipline is hard. I assume that's 1) why it is called "discipline" and 2) why the Bible lists self-control/discipline as a fruit of God's Spirit that we will evidence more and more as we grow in the knowledge and grace of our Savior and become more and more like Christ. The continued attempt to do life on our own - to hide the most intimate parts of ourselves - ends in frustration, pain, failure and loneliness, which is what happens when the creation rebels against one of the very things for which it was created. Begging your pardon for the "graphic" example, but imagine trying to use a toilet for a shower and a shower for a toilet - inevitably, you will end up with a wonderfully disgusting mess and, well, you will literally stink.
Ahh, those pesky character flaws of mine ... why is it easier to watch hours of television than to spend 10, 15 or 30 minutes reading my Bible? Why do I spend far too much time engaged in pointless and meaningless activity that has absolutely no eternal significance and yet find it difficult to sustain a consistent prayer life? These are not new questions - certainly I am not the first to ask them, to struggle with them, and to rail against the sin nature that "makes" me do the things I know I shouldn't do. Paul actually struggled with the same things, albeit in a society without televisions, cell phones, internet, gaming, etc.:
Ever since learning of the deep friendship that existed between author J.R.R. Tolkien and author/Christian apologist Clive Staples Lewis, it has never failed to bring a smile to my face when I think of the two of them laughing together, debating each other, challenging one another and encouraging each other. Both were members of The Inklings, a literary discussion group associated with the University at Oxford where members often read and discussed their unfinished works (Tolkien's Lord of the Rings and C.S. Lewis's Out of the Silent Planet being among the first novels read to the group). If I ever get my hands on a time machine, one of my many stops will be Magdalen College during the 1930s, where the group often met in C.S. Lewis's room. Though, regrettably, I will also have to don my invisibility cloak to sneak into one of their meetings, as all the members were male.
For my part, I will be eternally grateful to Mr. Tolkien for pointing his close friend, C.S. Lewis to the truth of Christianity. My unbidden smile is, in large part, due to the anticipation of meeting them both one day in heaven, but it is also borne out of the intellectual ferocity of these two men which, at times, put them at odds with each other -- after reading Lewis's draft of The Lion, the Witch & the Wardrobe, for instance, Tolkien was most critical of Lewis's juxtaposition of what Tolkien deemed the realities of this world (i.e., Father Christmas) with a pure "fantasy" world. Again, just my humble opinion here, but it would seem the Chronicles of Narnia have done quite well for themselves over the decades, despite the alleged literary foible by my beloved C.S. Lewis.
And while Tolkien strenuously objected to people's attempts to find allegorical meaning in his novels, it is with all due respect and a preemptive plea for his forgiveness that I engage in just such a task. Fellowship, loyalty, love and self-discipline, all are qualities that shine ever so brightly in both Tolkien's written work and his own life. He knew the absolute necessity of friendship. And it is certain that his most famous published work (if it had made it to publication at all without the support and encouragement of his friends) would have had a drastically different ending if not for the bonds of friendship and loyalty between the characters in his book. For now at least it is a question without answer, but I often wonder if Proverbs 27:17 went through Tolkien's mind during the long hours writing and creating the intricate world of Middle Earth.
It is a treasure beyond value, that friendship which both loves and sharpens as iron sharpens iron. To have a friend who will speak the truth in love is a rarity - dare I say they are fast becoming an endangered species - and accept you nevertheless, just as you are. Successes and failures, warts and all. And yet, we were created for fellowship and for community. True fellowship that goes beyond surface pleasantries and the knee-jerk "I'm fine" response to what may or may not be a rhetorical "How are you doing?" question. Frodo really wouldn't have gotten far without Sam - and neither will we without having the courage to engage each other on the "tough" issues, the willingness to have someone or someones in our life who will hold us accountable, and the ability to drop the facade and trust that our friend will love us no matter how many skeletons are crammed into our closets.
Self-discipline is hard. I assume that's 1) why it is called "discipline" and 2) why the Bible lists self-control/discipline as a fruit of God's Spirit that we will evidence more and more as we grow in the knowledge and grace of our Savior and become more and more like Christ. The continued attempt to do life on our own - to hide the most intimate parts of ourselves - ends in frustration, pain, failure and loneliness, which is what happens when the creation rebels against one of the very things for which it was created. Begging your pardon for the "graphic" example, but imagine trying to use a toilet for a shower and a shower for a toilet - inevitably, you will end up with a wonderfully disgusting mess and, well, you will literally stink.
Ahh, those pesky character flaws of mine ... why is it easier to watch hours of television than to spend 10, 15 or 30 minutes reading my Bible? Why do I spend far too much time engaged in pointless and meaningless activity that has absolutely no eternal significance and yet find it difficult to sustain a consistent prayer life? These are not new questions - certainly I am not the first to ask them, to struggle with them, and to rail against the sin nature that "makes" me do the things I know I shouldn't do. Paul actually struggled with the same things, albeit in a society without televisions, cell phones, internet, gaming, etc.:
For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.There is hope, as Paul says in verse 25: "The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different." Jesus is the hope that sustains us, works in and through us, and loves us perfectly. In his mercy -- in fact, from the very first man when God determined that His creation was not complete, as it was "not good for man to be alone" -- God created us for companionship. With GOD himself first and foremost, and also with others. I don't think the words from Genesis regarding companionship were limited to the union of a man and a woman - we need each other, "as iron sharpens iron." We need to be in community, and we need friendships/fellowships with others will who will love us, encourage us, confront us when necessary, and carry us when we are too weak to go on. Like Frodo, we all need our "Sams."
It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.
I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question? Romans 7:15a-24 (The Message)
Monday, May 2, 2011
To Be Perfect Honest - Book Review
To be perfectly honest myself, I had never heard of Phil Callaway before receiving this book. Apparently he is a rather well-known (as in award-winning) and prolific (as in more than 20 books) author and prominent speaker. The description of the book intrigued me, I won't lie . . . "One Man's Year of ALMOST Living Truthfully." Hard to resist, right? Phil accepted his editor's challenge to see if he could tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth for an entire year, and write a book about it. His editor said, "It will make for a great book." His editor was so right.
Spoiler: The book is written in a diary-like format, and begins on Day 1. Phil makes it all the way to Day 2 before catching himself in a lie. Wonder if I would make it even that far.
Much has been said about the book's humor, and Phil's comedic style in general. And the book IS funny. My husband actually banned me from reading it late at night, due to my sudden - and apparently loud - bursts of laughter while he was trying to sleep. The book is also incredibly convicting, thanks in large measure to Phil's authenticity and transparency. He doesn't hide the "ugly" human nature stuff, although sometimes his descriptions of the ugly stuff can be excruciatingly funny. He deals with hot-button issues such as lying to your spouse, struggling with lust/temptation, addiction issues (he happens to be addicted to Pac-Man, while trying to get his son's friend to end his smoking addiction), prayer, anger/revenge, and, err . . . how to deal (or how not to deal) with Mormons.
Day 82 was a fascinating example of trying to surprise someone (his wife) and resorting to lying "in a purposeful sort of way." In a slightly pathetic attempt to protect the surprise from his wife until the appointed time, he winds up telling multiple lies in rapid-fire succession and then wonders "Why did I need to tell five lies when I could have stopped at one? It's like I'd gone without chocolate for a year and was eating it by the fistful." Day 83 was more of an epiphany day for him. Phil writes: "I'm learning that you should never tell a lie to your spouse, but you shouldn't always tell the truth either. As my dad used to say, 'A closed mouth gathers no foot.'" That's just awesome. He also offers an acrostic that he finds helpful in this regard - THINK:
T--Is what I'm about to tell her True?
H--Is it Helpful?
I--Will it Inspire her?
N--Is it Necessary?
K--Am I Kind about it?
Good advice for all. The book is divided by chapters, and not every day is included (not sure why that is and found myself wondering if Phil simply slept through an entire day or two), but the format and chapter division work quite well. One of the most enjoyable/meaningful/convicting/encouraging parts for me was the inclusion of what the author calls "Honest Confessions" at the end of each chapter. An excerpt from Honest Confession #3 (at the end of Chapter 3: How to Tell the Truth and Still Have a Place to Sleep) reads as follows:
"I didn't want to write about lust. It's easier to appear to have it all together and leave readers with lofty thoughts of me. But this is a book on honesty. When I was a teenager, I thought, If I live to be forty, then this lust thing will vanish and I can live in complete victory like the forty-year-olds around here who look like they have one foot in the grave and the other on a skateboard. Unfortunately, after more than four decades as a believer, I find there are time when I still fail in this area." Phil goes on to say that "few topics bring out the modern-day Pharisees in greater force than the sins of others," and that when he sins, he "confess[es] immediately and gives thanks that the One who called the Pharisees' bluff is on my side." There is more to that confession, but only for the sake of my sleeping husband did I stifle an obnoxiously emphatic cheer upon reading the above portion.
Day 226 was another favorite. Phil received a four-page letter in response to one of his previous books, Laughing Matters. The author of the letter writes, in part, "Where do you read about the apostles trying to make jokes in order to reach people? Do you think they were hated by the world because they MADE PEOPLE LAUGH? The Bible contains no humor, why should you use it?" [Note: I actually choked a bit upon reading that last sentence.] Two days later, Phil found himself still troubled about whether the letter-writer was correct about God's lack of humor, and emailed a doctoral candidate friend about it. Phil's friend provided a lengthy response, and I particularly like his last few lines: "You don't get invited to as many parties as [Jesus] did by sucking on prunes all day. And he hung out with twelve guys. Do you really think they didn't laugh?" Yes, we can debate the theological accuracy of this . . . OR, we can revel in the fact that God has an INCREDIBLE sense of humor. I choose the latter. But then again, I like to laugh.
Certainly, I've read books that were convicting and had humor in them. But never anything like this. The fusion of sheer honesty (including the honesty about slipping up and lying), levity, wittiness and Biblical truth creates a book that is wonderfully readable and more than worth your time. No lie.
At the very least, consider the question - honestly, of course - of how long you could go telling the truth and nothing but the truth? I did, and the answer was definitely not pretty. Either way, if you want some good laughs or laughs plus something more, I highly recommend this book.
Disclosure: I received this book for free from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group for this review. The opinions expressed are my own, and I was not required to write a positive review in exchange for this book.
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