So I missed the month of June, from a blogging perspective, but my beloved and I did celebrate four years of marriage (just the beginning!); Father's Day with my daddy who is precious to me - I love opportunities to honor him for being such a good father; and reluctantly, it must be said, my birthday that took me yet another step closer to the looming BIG 40.
The end of June marked two years since I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. What the future holds for me, for my husband, whether we will be able to have a family, I do not even pretend to know. The other day, I had an unexpected conversation with a lovely lady who told me that her husband has been living with MS for almost 40 years - he is now in a wheelchair and has been declared legally blind. Have thoughts of that happening to me crossed my mind? Yep. She asked me, very matter-of-factly, "Do you ever wonder, 'Why me?'", telling me that she has wrestled often with that very question when she looks at her husband. My honest answer in response was simply, "No." I told her that from the time I was diagnosed until now, my thought has always been, "Why not me?" If Jesus could step into time and onto this mortal earth in its fallen, broken state and submit himself willingly to his Father's will, go to a horrific death by the infamous Roman torture device of crucifixion to be slain for my sins, how could I possibly complain about having MS, cancer, or anything at all?
Has it been a struggle? Absolutely. Does it grieve my heart to know the burden it places on my husband? Without a doubt. Do I know, barring a miracle cure or a new heavenly body, that this body will continue to deteriorate in ways that I simply have no control over? Certainly. What simply takes my breath away is that when Jesus hung on the cross for six hours, bleeding, suffocating, dehydrated beyond imagination, gasping for air as he pushed himself up on the nails driven through his feet, he CHOSE to take all my sins and provide the restitution that I could never achieve on my own. Nearly 2,000 years before I was even conceived, he chose to be the sacrifice for me, knowing that I would sin against him - the perfect and holy God of the universe - and yet loving me so much that he offered me a way to be reconciled to my Heavenly Father. I really can't get over it (and hope and pray that I never do) - though I had not yet sinned, being not yet born, he paid it all ... my past, present and future sins. What astounding love, what breathtaking mercy and such amazing grace.
So I do "boast" in my weakness, insomuch as it brings glory to God - and continue to be humbled that he trusts me to point to his strength at work in me, his joy magnified in me, and his transforming work in my heart that allows me to grow more and more into the image of Christ. And there is joy - oh, so much joy. Not to be confused with happiness, as joy and happiness are not synonymous terms. There is happiness too ... laughing with my husband, sharing our hopes and dreams for the future, finding pleasure in the things that we were created to enjoy. There are also "dark nights of the soul." Will I ever experience the joy of motherhood is a question that can easily push me into one of those dark nights. But always, always, there is joy in all circumstances.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
~Hebrews 12:1-3
It is my prayer that, as time marches on and the earth keeps spinning on its axis, we who live in this fallen world with all its discouragement, happiness, disappointment, treasured moments, betrayal, friendship, anger, forgiveness, hate and love, will take hold of the joy set before us - with Jesus as our source and our example - and never, ever let go.
